This is a professional review.
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Note that Film Red is purely fanservice. Do NOT watch this unless you’re at least almost done with the Whole Cake Island Saga. You can, however, still read this review; the only thing you’ll be spoiled by is my caressmatic writing.
I’ll Stare Directly in the Mirror but Never at the Sun
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The audio was fantastic, so just throw on headphones when you pirate it.
That’s the entirety of the movie review, but I did happen to copy over a few notes from my experience…
Dubs v. Subs: La Experiencia
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Unveiling the depths of my sagacity, I decided to watch the dubbed version at my theater, under the assumption that no one would be there.
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Unfortunately, I was not in a sober-enough state to confirm that I truly was alone in the theater room. Once the credits rolled, and I ran out of salted napkins to cry into, I realized that all my autistic incredibly valid reactions to the key moments in the film had not gone unnoticed.
…At least, judging by some of the shocked looks as I left the room, from the normie scum what pass for weebs these days.
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Let’s Talk About Dubbed Anime
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Dubbed anime fucking sucks, and One Piece is no exception. I could tolerate Zorlo’s voice actor to some degree, but everyone else had me thinking maybe American VA’s shouldn’t all speak English as a second language.
Thankfully, English studios now recognize that their “talents” are so fucking incompetent that they can’t even handle basic fucking karaoke, so all the Uta uta’ing was in Japanese. And thank Haruhi for it, because the soundtrack is a banger.
That’s actually all I want to touch on in this section: fuck English VAs, and their crimes against my ears make me wish Hammurabi was running things today.
Uta
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Women make up 50% of the population. If it were up to me, we’d cut the count by 70% and strap the remainder into milking machines to give the cows a break.
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Uta singlehandedly redeems the entire gender. Like, now I have to rewatch Denpa-teki na Kanojo to see whether the camerafan or the everlasting onahole have to get the boot to make room for the girl in my top 5.
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I dunno, may have to rewatch this shit sober, but I trust Drunk_Sage on most things.
The Pregame
Remember how I said I arrived to the theater drunk, stumbling, and making the concession stand lady uncomfortable by forcing her to ring up my multiple cocktails in separate transactions cuz policy states ‘one drink per order’?
Yeah?
Well you have fucking TGI Friday’s to thank for that. This is now a TGI Friday’s review.
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TGI Friday’s
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Fuck TGI Friday’s (and fuck Ruri). Their liquor is legally liquor, and that’s all the good I can say about that place. Like holy fuck, when I order a triple-combo of wings with BBQ, “dragon glaze”, and “blaze it”… and I have to drag my fucking napkin across the wings to verify they even sauced them because they all taste the fucking same… No, fuck that. I deserve better.
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Back to the Movie… Theater
After spending 3 hours pregaming, I thought I’d try out the RunPee app for the meme, cuz who doesn’t want to know when to sneak off for some get off?
Yet all I saw was this:
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Dan Gardner, I hope you choke on your dead dad’s dick, you illiterate, emaciated fuck. Can you even guess how fucking loaded my bladder was by the time I finished my third long island?!
Thank god the floors were carpeted enough so I didn’t slip while getting up. Less classy theaters would not afford their clients that luxury.
Back to TGI Friday’s
If the food sucks so fucking much, why are there TGI Friday’s appetizers still lining frozen section shelves? Honestly, I feel I was baited into giving the place a shot since it still had a prominent brand image in grocery stores and Office Space reruns. How could my local Piggly Wiggly let me down?!
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tl;dr
Chipotle is still the top restaurant in the game. Go there instead of TGI Friday’s; just bring a flask.
And also, watch One Piece Film Red if you’ve somehow managed to remain current on the series, yet still have good taste in anime. There’s probably a dozen of us.
Everyone else with a movie itch to scratch should just watch Kokoro ga Sakebitagatterunda or Colorful for some good standalone shit. I’d recommend more, but nearly all anime kinos suck. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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