Been a minute.
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I wrote this article like 15 times before I realized what I actually wanted to write about was cons in general. Then after I finished writing most of this post, I realized I already fucking did that shit back in 2013.
My writing may be timeless, but I’ve matured as a person since those dark days, and the content that follows will accordingly reflect my more refined views on life, love, and our dear otaku culture.
Con Choice: What Con Should I Go To?
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Here are a few considerations:
They Call It the Crx Shuffle
Generally, the more sexual assault allegations a con’s founder and its guests have, the better the con will be. And, honestly, if you’re gonna get raped by someone, it may as well be someone who can get you access to Dealers’ Hall before the disposable masses get their chance.
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Attendance Count
I’ve found the sweet spot to be 12,000-29,409. Any fewer and walkcon gets boring, any more and you’ll start fomenting political theories that the Feds will definitely have a problem with.
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Location: Choose a Good One
Going to the con proper should always be an option, not the option. Treat the con as a backdrop, otherwise you’ll get burnt out by all the stupid fucking nerds doing their stupid fucking nerd shit.
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Getting blackout drunk at fancy restaurants, shoplifting from MAC, picking fights at mahjong parlors… Whatever it is, make sure you have something interesting to do as an alternative to hanging around a bunch of slow-moving, socially maladjusted dweebs 24/7.
Once You’ve Chosen a Con…
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Here are some general guidelines. Pro-tips, if you will:
Go With Friends
Do not go to a con if it will mean going by yourself. I’ve done it, but that’s because I’ve usually been able to find someone who is on the same page about how fucking awesome I am. If you aren’t me, the odds of this happening are much lower.
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In terms of friend count, I have yet to find a hard upper limit, but life is basically just kusoge Persona, so budget your time accordingly.
Lodging
I don’t give a shit if you’ll have to eat ramen for a year after, the closer to the con you are, the better a time you’ll have.
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I realize not everyone has a ~comfy~ job, so I will concede that sharing beds to save cash is acceptable (and common).
Try to do so with people you know.
Be a Bully
If you see a comic-con transplant, it is your duty to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. Don’t feed invasive species.
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Premium Passes
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These things are 100% worth it because you get to look down on the poors and steal their spots in line. IRL p2w dlc.
Don’t Meet Up With New/Old Friends at a Panel, Duh
You’re going to want a place you can talk/catch-up, and you can’t really do that while some guy with a “cosplay is not consent” face tattoo is sperging off about a topic that by all rights should have been interesting, but is instead being presented by the human equivalent of a Taliban rape dungeon.
This is definitely not something I have learned from experience, as all decisions I have ever made are kanpeki in nature.
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What Panels/Events Should You Go To?
Run:
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- Open Mic Karaoke/Idol Contest/Etc.
- I mainly go to these things to make fun of the performers while I’m drunk.
- If you want to perform, you can avoid being heckled by being good. Failing that, be earnest. Honest effort is more valuable than results, to me at least. And isn’t that what matters most?
- I mainly go to these things to make fun of the performers while I’m drunk.
- The Touhou Orgy
- Every con has one, and they’re always a bottomhugging blast.
- Remember to bring some dark plastic bags and zip ties so you don’t have to see your partners’ faces, and you can ensure they never see yours.
- Ball-Jointed Doll Meet-up
- If you’re a weird girl that thinks rolling in hay is a proper substitute for deodorant, this one’s for you.
- And I mean “rolling in hay” in the literal sense, because… lol, have you seen these chicks?
- If you’re a weird girl that thinks rolling in hay is a proper substitute for deodorant, this one’s for you.
- Dealers’ Hall/Artists’ Alley
- I don’t give a single solitary fuck about Dealers’, but this is always a big draw for people who have never heard of ordering shit online. IDK, have fun? Most people do.
- Game Show Panels
- These are always a blast. Go drunk.
Don’t Go:
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- Cosplay Masquerade/Burlesque Show
- I usually get access to front row seats at main events, and even the constant upskirts don’t make these worthy of consideration. (But if you get kicked out of your hotel and need a place to nap for a bit, these “events” are an all right option.)
- Opening Ceremonies
- Instead of letting a bunch of losers tell you what the con is going to be like, you should just go out and experience it.
- Manga Library/Anime Screening Rooms
- These are basically a last resort for killing time at the con, and if that’s the spot you’re in, you’ve already lost. Try again next year.
- Weapons Check
- Don’t let the patriarchy keep you from having an authentic cosplay experience.
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But… Otakuthon 2022?
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Okay, fine. This year’s Otakuthon was good. Otakuthon is always good.
Main crew:
- @MeatBeast4, the autistic furry.
- WebsTheWeb aka “Matt”, fun fact: his real name isn’t even Matt… or WebsTheWeb for that matter.
- @shcboomer, he gives it to ’em, what can I say?
- If you’re reading this, he’s been doing a write-up I’ll link here when complete.
- @lunr_sama, King of Idols & my kokoro~
- @HikageKyun, moshi moshi based department? (Dude’s an incredibly good person. Ladies, plz marry.)
- @dbx10, keep him away from women and life is good.
Guest appearances (although I suppose I was the guest appearance to them):
- The 4chan crew (depending on the moment there were like 10-20 of them, I remember a lot of names and tags, but let’s keep things anonymous for multiple reasons).
- I really do love these degenerates <3
- Whoever sucked my dick for ten minutes in the glory hole at Bar Pamplemousse while I played COLORS by FLOW on repeat, you the real MVP.
- Monkeypox is temporary, Zero Requiem is eternal (otherwise, what was the point of the series?).
Better:
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- Canadian doors have somewhat improved over the past few years under Justin Trudeau’s wise guidance.
- Inflation is so high that money no longer means anything. \o/
- It was quite fucking easy to sneak into Dealers’ early this year.
- My style game was on-fucking-point.
- The bathtub pizza was better than expected.
Worse:
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- Hotto Doggu shutting down forced us to eat at the Desjardens food court, and all their menus are in those incomprehensible Frenchrunes so I had to eat fucking A&W twice.
- A bottle of Hennessy is fucking $70? The fuck is that douche canoe Trudeau thinking?!
- Over the con, Bridget was revealed to be canonically trans, which means all that “girldick” I was masturbating to actually was girldick, and I’m still going through an identity crisis over it.
- Genshin Impact and vtubers suddenly exist???
- I really hate vtubers, to the point one of my original drafts for this post was me just going off on my friend who literally spent two hours whingeing at me about not being able to get some stupid traced autograph from one of the Nijisanji sluts, all while I’m playing Groove Coaster and pretending to care, but I don’t care, Matt. I never fucking cared about those devolved forms of gamergurl consluts, and I never fucking will. I am going to fucking strangle you in your sleep, Matt.
- My o-tomodachi, Calen, couldn’t make it. ;_;
- What can I say, I’m a guy who cares about my nakamas. <3
See you 2023?