When customs asked what I was bringing back from Tokyo, I lied and said Pokemon cards. Glad I looked cool enough to pull that one off.

Pre-Review (“But why?”)

While drunkposting on Twitter one night, I promised my tens of followers that I’d review as many onaholes as $500 could buy me in Japan. Unfortunately, I blew all that money on lewd anime card sleeves, so my cocksleeve budget suffered.

Worth it? Maybe not.

Still, I had exactly enough hundred-yen coins left to roll the onahole gacha at Tora no Ana, so here we go.

Post-Pre-Review

OnaHole Specs:

• Orange
• “Single use”
• Type 3 (of four)
• No new vagina smell

Doujin Pairings:

• Sakura Romako’s catalog, from earliest to latest, as is custom

Music Pairings:

• Pale Waves – Television Romance
• Mr. T Experience – Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
• Some other gay shit

Food & Drink Pairings:

• [1 bottle] Blue Point Hoptical Illusion
• [1 bottle] Stone Ghost Hammer IPA
• [275 mL] Sailor Jerry’s Spiced Rum
• [1/2 can] Coca-Cola Vanilla
• [1/2 bag] Old Dutch Blue Corn Chips

“Review”

Upsides:

• With the assistance of an onahole, you don’t need to worry about any Old Dutch salt touching your salty old dutchman
• I think this thing is made with the same material as a stress ball, so it’s 100% work safe
• 400 yen msrp, or 300 yen if you can find a gacha dispenser
• Kinda chewy

Downsides:

• While the onahole boasts the benefits of its suction cups, I am not aware of any 3D women with octopus vaginas, so its use as a training partner is rather limited
• When you want to reuse it, you have to literally squeeze the lube, sweat, and semen into your sink, which is not very 21st century
• My dick started burning like it was infested with urethral fire ants after my third go at it – I think I gave myself an STD

Overall Rating:

2 vaginal depth markers out of 12. Sad.

If you really wanted to incompetently fuck some unfeeling cum dumpster, just find a real girl. If your primary goal is instead disappointment play, I must wholeheartedly suggest Crymore’s rss feed.

For all other purposes, watch the new Kino’s Journey — it just started airing today, and I can guarantee it is almost as perfect as I am.

Kino is love, Kino is life.